Why I'm Not an Advice Columnist

Dear Cary,

The problem is baseball. Well, baseball and this terrific new woman I have been seeing. Here's the thing: I love Major League Baseball. It is one of my consuming passions. ...But there's this woman. She is funny and smart and beautiful... There's just one problem: She roots for my team's biggest rival. ...So recently, these two teams, her team and my team, went head to head, and my team lost. And badly. And repeatedly. Which would make me kind of miserable under the best of circumstances. But I feel even worse because I know that, not so deep down, she is happy. She is unhappy for me, because she is wonderful and kind and I think she may love me a little. But she is happy for herself. And I can't stand it. My knowledge of her happiness is eating away at me. It feels like disloyalty -- I care so much about my team, and how can she take pleasure in something that is causing me so much pain?

Dear Baseball Fan,

You should break up with her immediately. Since this is the kind of problem that would only really matter to a ten-year-old, I infer that you are way too young to be dating. This can only end with a prison term for her.

Stay in school, keep away from drugs, and maybe in ten or fifteen years you'll be ready for a mature, adult relationship, the kind in which this sort of "dilemma" would seem like a silly joke.

Jesus H. Christ.

Salon.com: Inside baseball